


Love As You Learn The Hard Way

by smittenwithsugden



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: But also, Emotions, Hurt, M/M, i am bad at tagging
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-06
Updated: 2017-05-06
Packaged: 2018-10-28 17:49:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10836276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smittenwithsugden/pseuds/smittenwithsugden
Summary: Robert has a serious car accident. How will Aaron react, even though they are broken up?





	Love As You Learn The Hard Way

**Author's Note:**

> I am trying to learn to write angst. This story was hard for me, it might be rubbish, it might be brilliant, I don't even know anymore. Also this could be seen as canon-compliant, but it also could not be, depending how you interpret stuff.
> 
> Big thank you to Zo'e and Matty. Without you two this story would not exist!

Aaron was by himself at the scrapyard when his mobile rang. He had been hoping to head out and sighed at the interruption. He stopped in the doorway of the portacabin.

“Yeah?” he answered, not bothering to look who was calling.

“Aaron Dingle?” an unfamiliar female voice asked him.

“Yes?” he asked, already slightly more annoyed.

“Robert Sugden’s husband?” The words made Aaron’s breath catch in his throat. He reached for the closest chair and sat down.

“I’m not… we’re separated,” he managed to get out.

It’s been five months now and the burning pain from the beginning had morphed into a dull ache.

“Oh,” the voice said flustered, obviously not sure what to do now, her practised speech no longer going to cut it. “Well, he got you listed as next of kin, but…”

A wave of panic rolled over Aaron. Next of kin? That did not sound good at all.

“What happened?” he croaked out.

“My name is Rebecca Fields.” Aaron scoffed internally. Of course. “And I’m a nurse at Hotten Hospital. Your husband… well, Mr Sugden has been in an accident… it’s pretty severe… we’re not sure he’ll…” 

Aaron didn’t hear anything else, he managed a garbled “thanks” before he dropped the phone. He felt like the walls were closing in. He stumbled out of the cabin, gasping for air. 

He hadn’t had a panic attack like this for quite a while now and it crushed down on him like rock. He crouched against the cabin, his head down, dry heaving and gasping for air. And then, Robert’s face appeared in his mind, clear as day, telling him to breathe, to focus on him. It was his softest voice and Aaron’s chest hurt all over again.

“No,” he said aloud. “You are not getting to me like this.”

He lifted himself up, took a couple of deep breaths, then walked back in the cabin to get his phone.

He called Vic and told her that Robert has been in an accident.

“Okay,” her voice wobbled with concern. “I will see you at the hospital.”

“No, you won’t,” he said.

“Aaron,” she said softly, “don’t you want to be there for him?”

“017255834687,” Aaron said.

“What?” Vic asked, confused.

“Rebecca’s number,” Aaron said and hung up.

He managed to stay busy, rip into some cars and tear them apart. He tried to think about anything other than whatever the hell was going on with Robert. And he managed somewhat, his brain as usual, going blank when he was doing something physical.

“Oi, mate!” Adam called out to him and Aaron stopped.

He immediately studied his face, tried to see if he came with the worst news.

“Vic said he is still in surgery,” Adam said.

“I didn’t ask,” Aaron said.

“You didn’t have to,” Adam said. “You sure you don’t wanna head up there?”

“Why don’t you ask Rebecca-” Aaron started but got interrupted by Adam.

“Mate, he doesn’t give a toss about her,” he said and Aaron scoffed.

“And I don’t give a toss about him,” Aaron said.

“Except you do,” the way he said it did not leave room for discussion so Aaron just shrugged.

“You do know they never actually slept together, right?” Adam said.

“We’ve had this discussion before, Adam,” Aaron said. “In the end, it doesn’t matter. He went there, he wanted to and he lied while he thought he had done it. The actual act happening or not doesn’t make a difference.” 

This conversation was a repeat, Adam had actually spoken up for Robert multiple times, trying to explain how Robert had been feeling that day. Trying to talk him around into seeing that it did make a difference, because he had not actually cheated. But for Aaron, the lie weighed heavier than anything else and Adam couldn’t exactly blame him.

Except with time Aaron did start to see it a bit differently. The shouting match he’d had with Rebecca actually helped him along, when she yelled at him about how Robert had pulled back, brushed her off again, hot and cold, talking about not being able to do this to Aaron, how he had kicked her out of the Mill. 

Aaron had not believed her at first, but she had pushed him, told him she was the last person to want to do anything good for Robert. Aaron had scoffed at that, but he had believed her.

It helped with the pain, it helped with feeling like a total idiot for ever trusting Robert. But it did not stop the hurt of the betrayal.

And now he was worried sick, there was no denying it, no matter how hard he tried. He knew nothing about this accident, knew nothing about how serious it was. And his pride and hurt made it impossible to ask.

Adam studied him.

“Mate,” Adam said with a sincerity to his voice Aaron wasn’t used to. “This is serious. He didn’t just have a small car accident. It’s… well, serious. This might be your last chance to see him, to say whatever you have to say.” 

Aaron bit his lip and tilted his head and Adam already reached out to hand him his keys and his phone.

Aaron took them without a word and handed him the vest. He nodded, Adam nodded and Aaron was off.

He found Vic in a waiting room with Chas, of all people. 

“What are you doing here?” he asked, stopping dead in his tracks.

“Hi, love,” Chas said and stood up, but Aaron took a step back. 

“Well, he’s your husband, isn’t he?” Chas said.

“Oh, now you care about that?” Aaron asked.

Chas flinched. It wasn’t only Robert’s betrayal that had gotten to Aaron, it was Chas’, too. When he found out that Chas knew and had stopped Robert from telling him in prison they had a big falling out and not spoken since. Well, apart from Chas’ tries to make him see why she did it. But Aaron had had no patience for her. She had encouraged the lie and so Aaron couldn’t trust her anymore either.

“I always cared about that,” Chas said. “Because I care about you.”

Aaron scoffed, “Sure.”

“Well, why are you here then?” Chas challenged.

“Because,” Aaron said and bit his lip, “I need to know if it’s over.”

Vic gasped at that and only then did it hit Aaron what he’d said. He had not meant that he wanted Robert dead. He just meant, that he needed to know if it was really over between them, if he might finally feel anything other than the dull ache that had been haunting his chest. But Vic’s reaction made him realize how final it had sounded. Aaron felt his chest tighten again and everything inside him was screaming: ‘No! It can’t be over. Not like this !’

He quickly sat down on one of the chairs and tried to get his breathing under control.

Chas sat down next to him. “He’ll be okay, love.”

“Leave me alone,” he spat out. “And you don’t know that.”

Chas moved, leaving one chair empty between them, but watched him like a hawk.

“Just go,” Aaron said. “You don’t care about him.”

“But you do” she said.

Aaron swallowed hard and looked up, but not at his mum, he looked at Vic. And he saw Robert in her worried eyes, saw Robert in the way she tilted her head and he nodded.

“I do, too, you know,” Chas said quietly. “You might not believe me, but I do. I was hurt, too, when I thought he cheated. I know now, I should have listened to him more. But I was hurt, not only for you, but he was… is… well, he’s family.”

Aaron sighed and leant his head back against the wall, his right index finger twitching over the spot of skin where his ring used to be.

“I’ll go,” Chas said and got up. She exchanged a look with Vic, gestured for her to stay in contact and then left.

Vic got up and sat back down next to Aaron. She didn’t touch him, but her voice was soft.

“You still love him?” she asked.

Aaron didn’t answer.

With no information and after Aaron had gone through all the possible horrifying scenarios in his mind, he finally broke the silence.

“What happened?” he asked.

Vic was startled out of her own nervous reverie.

“He was on his way to Hotten, for business, I guess, and some racer ran a red light and Robert had to hit the brakes, he crashed into the traffic light,” Vic said.

“Okay,” Aaron said, letting out a slow breath, trying to be calm and not picturing Robert in that car.

“And what are they operating on?” he asked, now that he started to ask he needed to know everything. “His chest again?”

“His brain,” Vic said and swallowed hard, obviously trying to hold back a sob. “The pole of the traffic light went through the windscreen and collided with his skull because he was hunched forward.”

Aaron clenched his fists, hard. “What are his chances?”

“They didn’t say,” Vic said and they both knew that wasn’t good at all.

They fell silent again, the minutes ticking by very slowly. Aaron tried to think about nothing but it all came back to Robert. What if this was it? What if he died and they never talked again? What if this was really the end to their story? Because as much as Aaron had meant every word of their break up, he also somehow always knew it would not be the end of their story. As long as they are both alive they will always be in each other’s lives. As long as….

“He really loves you, you know,” Vic said softly.

Aaron was silent for a while, then sighed with a very quiet “I know.”

“The nurse gave me this,” Vic said holding out Robert’s wedding ring. “They had to take it off him before they took him into surgery.”

Aaron looked at the ring for a minute, before he reached out and took it from Vic. He was shocked that Robert had still been wearing it after all this time, he’d been very careful not to look and check, when their paths had crossed around the village.

Aaron pulled the chain he’d been wearing around his neck, since the day he’d removed his own wedding ring, out from under his shirt where it sat . A warm safety, against his heart. He heard Vic gasp when she saw that Aaron was still wearing his ring, in a fashion. He opened the clasp on the chain and slid Robert’s ring on next to his own before placing them both back under his shirt out of sight.

“I know you two have been through so much,” Vic said, her voice quivering. “And I don’t know how you feel right now. But this is it, Aaron. Life doesn’t give you a hundred chances, you know that, probably better than anybody. So, if he wakes up and you go talk to him, you better make your mind up beforehand, about what you want. No more games, no more waiting around, no more pride. If you wanna be with him, go and be with him, because life is too short, you know ?”

Aaron’s eyes filled with tears immediately. She was right. This could be it. This could be the end and he never told Robert that he forgave him. After everything, after he had heard all sides of the story, had time to mull it over and over in his head, he had forgiven him. He had just been too proud, maybe, or too scared, too vulnerable to make the first step back to him. If he was being honest with himself, he’d always thought that they would just find their way back to one another naturally. But he never thought he would be waiting to see if his husband would live or die. To not be able to do a damn thing about all that wasted time, when they could have been together. Now, he knew. Vic was right, life doesn’t give you endless chances to make things right again .

Another hour later the doctor came and told them Robert was out of surgery, it had been a bad bleed and they had been lucky enough to get in and stop it but they wouldn’t know anything for sure until he woke up. So basically, nothing new, except the surgery was a success, as far as they could tell.

Adam arrived not long after the doctor and sat with Vic, while they waited for Robert to wake up.

“You should go, Vic,” Aaron said when Vic almost fell asleep for the third time against Adam’s shoulder. “I promise I will text you when he wakes up.”

“No,” Vic said, “I can’t leave you alone.”

“I’ll stay,” Adam said immediately.

“No,” Aaron said. “Seriously, it’s fine. To be honest, I would rather be by myself. I’ve gotten good at it.”

Vic and Adam left after they made him promise twice over to call or text immediately when Robert woke up.

When a nurse came by again, Aaron asked if he could be in the room with his husband, to make sure he saw a friendly face when he woke up. He wasn’t quite sure if he believed that he would be welcome but Aaron knew he needed to see Robert.

She led him into his room and Aaron gasped. He was shocked how small Robert looked, how fragile. His head wrapped in bandages a reminder of how serious Robert’s condition was.

Aaron sat down on the chair next to his bed and the nurse left the room.

Time passed without Aaron noticing if it dragged or flew, the minutes ticked by, and all Aaron did was study Robert’s face, he lingered on every little detail, every little freckle. Can they make this work again? he wondered. And his brain tried to process the thought, the one he had forbid himself to think, the one that made him hope. That maybe they could recover from all of this.

Robert stirred and Aaron sat up, leant forward.

It took Robert a while to realise where he was. His eyes were searching the room until they landed on Aaron. Aaron could read the emotions on his face like a book: relief to see Aaron, then confusion when it hit him that Aaron should not be there, then hope.

“Aaron?” he asked, his voice hoarse. “What…?”

“I’m your next of kin,” Aaron answered, “They called me.”

They both knew that didn’t mean anything. Aaron could have still stayed away. But he didn’t.

“How you feelin’?” Aaron asked.

Robert shifted in the bed as if testing his limbs. “Numb,” he said, “Tired.”

“Then sleep,” Aaron said.

“Will you still be here when I wake up?” Robert asked, eyes already closing again.

“Yeah,” Aaron said simply. “I’m staying.”

\--

After an uncomfortable night in the hospital chair, Aaron was woken up by the nurse checking on Robert. When she left, Robert sat up, obviously already feeling a bit better. The silence was deafening. Robert looked lost like he wasn’t sure what to say or do.

“You scared me,” Aaron admitted after a minute of watching him struggle.

“I’m sorry,” Robert said and it made Aaron flinch. He had heard that one too many times. The sentiment might be there but the words were like knives now cutting in to the wound, not so long healed. He needed to let this go if things were ever going to get better between them.

“Don’t be an idiot, it’s not your fault,” he said.

Robert cleared his throat, clenching his jaw a bit and Aaron knew there was something coming he wouldn’t like. Even now, they still knew each other so well.

“I meant to call you yesterday,” Robert said. “After my meeting in Hotten. “

“Yeah?” Aaron asked, eyebrows raised.

“I was on my way to meet my new boss,” Robert said. “I was thinking about selling Home James and… my stake in the scrapyard.”

Aaron bit his lip hard. “Guess that was bound to happen,” he said, trying to swallow down the foul taste in his mouth. The scrapyard had been theirs from the start, Robert having a stake in it meant Robert having a stake in Aaron’s life.

“I figured it wasn’t fair to you, to keep it,” Robert said, looking straight at Aaron. “You deserve to be able to move on, without any reminders. I’d offer to just to give it to you but I know you don’t want anything from me, I know you’d never just take it, if I just tried to hand it over. So, we’ll make a deal, something fair that we can both live with.”

Aaron shook his head dismissively. No matter what, no matter how many pictures he burnt, no matter if there was no trace at all of Robert Sugden ever being in his life it wouldn’t change a damn thing. He would always be the one.

“So, if the company still wants me after this I’ll be moving to London next month,” Robert finally said and Aaron clenched his jaw.

“I hate you,” Aaron said and Robert’s face fell.

“I know,” Robert said, “Aaron, I’m trying…”

“No,” Aaron said, “you don’t get it. I hate you so much. And I want to hate you forever, so you can’t just go. You don't just get to decide what’s best for me. You can’t just go and leave me, acting like selling up and removing every material thing that reminds me of us would change anything.”

“You hate me?” Robert repeated, but this time his voice was soft, full of hope. 

“Yes, I hate you so much. I've never hated anyone the way I hate you,” Aaron said. "I never will."

“Aaron, I… I promise, if you give me another chance, I will…,” Robert said.

“No,” Aaron said immediately. "Don't make promises Robert. Just stay. Show me I can trust you. Just you and me, messed up forever with no room for anyone else. I can’t… I can’t lose you again, Robert. So, from now on, one day at a time.” 

“Aaron, I… don’t think I deserve this,” Robert said, his eyes filled with tears and his hand reaching out for Aaron.

“Yeah, you do,” Aaron said. “We have to stop this putting ourselves down shit. More talking from now on, yeah? No more bottling stuff up. You and me; that is the priority. And no more lies.”

“I prom-,” Robert grimaced and nodded in agreement instead. “Come here,” Robert urged and Aaron moved, leant over him and their lips touched in a soft kiss, at first, but then Aaron deepened it, letting out a content sigh, before he remembered that they were in a post-operative ward, in the hospital and pulled back.

They both look like they just won the lottery and Christmas and Easter came early, both glowing and smiling at each other.

"Lie with me?" Robert asked.

"Robert, you just had surgery. I don't want to hurt you," Aaron replied.

"You won't," Robert tugged on Aaron's hand pulling him down on the bed next to him. "Please."

Aaron carefully arranged himself next to Robert on the narrow hospital bed and kept a hold of Robert's hand.

"I'm naked under this gown you know," Robert said with a lazy grin.

Aaron looked down and saw the sheets tenting, "Really, Robert you just had major surgery on your brain!"

"What can I say, it's been months Aaron and we both missed you," Robert said with a smirk.

"You mean you didn't with anyone else? While we were, apart I mean?" Aaron asked, scrunching his nose immediately after, not sure if he really wanted to hear the answer.

"Will you believe me if I say no? That the thought of anyone else touching me in that way makes me feel physically ill?" Robert said sounding tired and small.

"I know you won't lie to me again Robert. I didn't either. I wanted to. I wanted to erase the feel of your touch but I couldn't," Aaron used his spare hand to grab the chain from under his shirt. "Do you want this back?"

Robert looked at where his wedding ring sat next to Aaron's. Looking back into Aaron's eyes he said, "I do" without any hesitation.

Aaron pulled the chain over his head and undid the clasp, he pulled off Robert's ring and placed it back on his finger where it belonged.

Robert held out his hand palm up and said, "Can I?" nodding to Aaron's ring still on the chain.

He knew what this was, what they were both asking. Could it be that simple? No, not simple but he didn’t really have a choice, it just was the right thing, the only thing he could do. Aaron slowly pulled his ring free and placed it gently in Robert's hand.

Robert picked up Aaron's hand and slipped the ring home. Aaron couldn't resist sliding it around his finger, feeling like something inside him, that had been missing, was now whole again .


End file.
